I’ve heard from several of you following my last post that folks dating in their 30s and 40s is fascinating, and so I am back to share a collection of traumatic events stories to start your weekend. All have been collected from friends and acquaintances over the last several months as I meet more tragic singles my age, so these are all semi-recent situations, not “back in my day, you wouldn’t believe the things people did!” Brace yourselves.
First and foremost, “ghosting” is a huge issue. This is when you are chatting with someone on an app or via text and they just disappear. No explanation, no “sorry, this just isn’t working out,” or even a fictional conflict like a heavy work load or family obligations that might make the person’s absence seem gentler. People are out here just straight up disappearing. One reason for this, especially for those on dating apps, is that even after you match with someone and start chatting, people can still like your profile and contact you. Think of a dog on a walk who smells something interesting, and then smells another thing, and then there’s a squirrel, a cat slinks by, and ooooh is that a wrapper for a peanut butter cup? We are all dating puppies on these apps. There is no guarantee the next person who matches with you will be better, but they are newer, and you get that dopamine hit of someone liking you all over again, however briefly.
For those ghosting folks in real life or via text, I have no explanation. It seems unnecessarily cruel when you can just gently say you are in a really busy season at your worm farm, or you are at sea and don’t have reliable cell service, or whatever nice lie you tell someone who will absolutely know it’s a lie but might appreciate that more than sudden radio silence. I have a friend who is charming, funny, smart, and built like Atlas himself, and this guy has been ghosted. I mean…what are we even doing out here in these streets if this is happening to people like him?
In the same vein of “things I can’t believe people still do,” we have standing up your date. In the age of constant communication there is absolutely no reason for this to happen. Tell that gentle lie if you chicken out, don’t send your date to a meeting place to just sit there waiting on someone who has no intention of showing up. A tip from my friend who shared this story: plan your dates at a place you’d like to be anyway. That way if the person you’re meeting doesn’t materialize (or is a big dull dud) at least you’re at your favorite coffee shop/restaurant/bookstore and can enjoy yourself alone.
Something I have heard from several men that really bothers me is women who refuse to contribute to a date. I have found that men insist on paying which is a nice gesture, but I do offer to at least split the check. That is a lot of pressure to put on a man, no matter what his 401k looks like. It’s one thing to get all dolled up for a man only to not hit it off, but add in a pricey dinner and drinks and it can be daunting for any guy to take a risk on someone new. If he pays for the first date, that’s very gentlemanly, but we shouldn’t expect he pay for every single outing. Come on, ladies, it’s 2024. At least offer. I’ve had multiple men share stories of women who, for example, met their date at a restaurant and the woman paid for her own valet and then complained about it later. Or the woman who showed up early to meet for drinks and downed three top shelf martinis before her date arrived, and then put them on his tab. Granted, she may not have known which way was up by then, but still.
One of the more alarming trends is misrepresentation. I am sympathetic to people who feel the need to present themselves in the best light, with their best angles, especially women who are judged so harshly for the way their bodies look. That said, posting photos of yourself a hundred pounds lighter than your current weight and expecting someone to recognize you on a first date? You are setting yourself up for failure. Women are not the only offenders (though the use of heavy filters is positively rampant) as a lot of men are using photos from at least ten years ago. We are onto you. Oh really, Joe? You’re 48 and don’t have a line on your face or any grey in your beard? And how old is your daughter, did you say? Just turned 21! That’s funny, because she’s an infant in your pictures.
The most egregious example would be a story from my friend who met up with someone who turned out to be an entirely different gender than their profile stated. The thing about misleading to that degree is that if someone is looking for a genuine connection, you’re starting out with a lie. It’s not the same as cutting your hair into a pixie cut and just not updating your photos. Lying is completely unnecessary because there are hundreds of dating apps for all different types of people, all different preferences, from body type to relationship style to kinks and fetishes. There really isn’t a need to show up to a date having presented yourself as a monogamous person looking for love and then let it slip during drinks that you’re actually in an open marriage looking for someone to bring home to Daddy. Sure, you might hook some people this way, but the failure rate has got to be high. Why not just shop in that section from the start?
My absolute favorite story I heard just recently was from a friend who had been dating a woman a couple months and it was going well. One day she dyed her hair red. Just out of the blue – fire red hair. He complimented her new style and she said, “I dyed it red because I saw you check out a redheaded waitress last week.” Now, my friend swears he did not check out any redheads and has no memory of even seeing a ginger the week before. Needless to say, he was alarmed that this woman dramatically changed her appearance based on a hallucinated event, and then she demanded to meet all his exes. So, all around red flags from this new redhead. It’s giving Fatal Attraction.
As we head into the weekend, please be kind to the singletons you know. It’s not all kismet and clinking glasses with meaningful eye contact out here. My friends have all left these situations mostly unscathed, but please buy us a drink for our troubles next time you send us a pity invite to hang with you and all your married friends.
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