Warts And All

Remember at the beginning of a relationship, when you could present a highly curated version of yourself in small doses? Those were the days, man.

If you’ve been together a long time, there is very little mystery left. Your 24/7 partner is seeing a lot behind the curtain that your Friday night date is shielded from by only seeing you at a pre-determined time and location. A new person is seeing what you want them to see, your dating profile come to life. Just the highlights – I’m fun, not a care in the world! Sure, I have kids, but I’m free when I’m with you! Of course I always look put together with the perfect outfit for the occasion! I just threw this on!

After a while, though, your dating profile persona starts to show some cracks. I do “have kids,” but there is no specific place to list how many. Three is a lot for one person to parent alone, and they are young and still need me. Some people put photos of themselves with their children on their profiles, but I would personally prefer my children not appear on a dating app, so three kids under age eleven comes as a fun surprise later on. There are always going to be surprises, things you wouldn’t necessarily put in what is literally an advertisement for your long-term company, but we can’t expect everyone to just accept those new discoveries and take them in stride. Some are not going to be as palatable as others.

If you’re in a long term relationship, your partner is seeing you every day, warts and all. After a long time it can feel like you’re only warts and nothing is a mystery. How does she get her hair like that? You’ve seen her blow drying it and sweating while her hair sheds all over the bathroom floor. She looks great in that dress. She made you tell her she didn’t look fat after changing nine times and making you late for your reservations because she’s having a poor body image day. She’s in such great shape. She snapped at you for eating a cookie in front of her while she’s trying to cut back on sugar. Her skin is luminous. She comes to bed with a one-inch layer of moisture mask covering her face that gets your pillowcases greasy.

There’s something to be said for enjoying your time being single. You can do what you want and not worry about what anyone else sees or thinks about you. I can slather myself in industrial moisturizer, try one of those heatless curls contraptions for my hair, eat Skittles in bed, and re-watch my favorite old movies without answering to anyone, except my terrified children who walk in and see Mom with mud on her face sobbing through When Harry Met Sally for the millionth time. There’s no sharing the bed, no fighting over the shower or the bathroom sink, no rock-paper-scissors for the last dumpling. But if you find someone you might want to spend more time with, you have to hope the surprises you’ve been hiding aren’t alarming enough to send them packing.

The big question is: do we slowly reveal the crazy, or make it the first blurb on our profiles? If “has an unpredictable autoimmune disease” is going to be a deal-breaker, should I be putting that in all caps somewhere on my profile? No sense wasting time and effort on someone who isn’t into the burden of a sick person. Should I write “extremely anxious” on there, as well? Some people refuse to date anyone with a diagnosis, and it’s not as though I’m hiding multiple personalities, but anxiety can be it’s own burden. Maybe I should get a photo taken of me with my kids walking down a beach or into a meadow like all the cutesy families do so their faces won’t be visible but a prospective date can count them and see how young they are. I’m not looking for help raising them, but if you’re looking for something long term you shouldn’t be uncomfortable around young kids.

“Fun on dates” and “good personality” can only overcome so much, and those two things are subjective, anyway. You can’t hope that the laid-back vibes you’re making an effort to exude will overcome someone’s disinterest in children, or desire to become a raw vegan which does not align with my autoimmune disease. And, for those of us with anxiety, the laid-back vibes probably never come across in the first place. At best, you’ll break even and seem high strung but able to survive social situations.

The goal of the apps is to streamline the process, or at least that’s what I gather from my limited experience, and weed out non-negotiables before a first meeting, so should we be putting the warts on display up front as well? The 12-step skincare routines, the hidden cigarettes, the online poker playing, the crop of hair growing out of your ears, the trick hip that limits your travel destinations, the child who doesn’t live with you that you found out about when she discovered matching DNA on 23&Me, the panic attacks, seasonal depression, smelly feet, and the mustache you bleach?

If it’s for real, all those skeletons will come tumbling out of the closet eventually. You just have to hope none of them scare away someone you hope will stay.