I Love You, Man

A woman needs good friends. Female friends will take your side and threaten violence on whomever wrongs you. They tell you how to style those trendy overalls so you don’t look like a farmer. They have personal recommendations for the best nail techs and dermatologists. They can more acutely understand the lives of other women, both because of their similar backgrounds and because they are more inclined to be empathetic. Female friends are indispensable.

There are occasions when you need a different perspective. A woman might build you up, vow to support you no matter what, and sugar-coat their true feelings to protect yours. Sometimes, you need a guy friend.

I have had male friends my whole life. They are uncomplicated, honest, and fun. They don’t waste time softening their answers – you get what you get and if you didn’t want honesty, why did you ask?

“What do you think of these pants that are black denim in the front and pleather in the back?

“Sounds like an ass mullet.” Yes. Constructive. Informative. Accurate.

None of this, “those are fun! But, maybe think about if you would wear them a lot? Like, what do they go with that you have already?” TL;DR those pants are a mullet for your ass and once you’ve heard that you can’t unhear it. That guy saved me ninety bucks.

“Do you think he likes me if he does A, B, and C?”

“Yes. Want to go get wings?” A clear answer and also wings. Even if the answer was no, he doesn’t like you, there are still wings.

One of my favorite things about having male friends is the ability to peek behind the curtain and examine a real live man brain. You can find out how their minds work, see what they pick up on, what moves they use to attract women, the games they play when they like someone, and so much more.

Tonight I was in a rush to get dressed and head out when I noticed my bra straps were visible. I changed clothes, but asked a guy friend if men notice when a woman’s top doesn’t line up with her straps. The answer was yes, they do notice sometimes, which I found kind of surprising, and filed that tidbit away for the future. I know women notice how other women dress, and men notice if you’ve got something to ogle, but who knows what men are observing about your attire? Your guy friends know.

Men will also help you develop a thick skin. For example, had I purchased the half-leather pants, I have no doubt a male friend would have called them an ass mullet to my face in public. I am not obligated to accept their fashion advice, especially the ones who could use some advice themselves, but honesty can be refreshing. They also have a knack for reminding you they are non-threatening in a way that hurts your feelings. Don’t worry, you’re not my type. I don’t date women with your hair color. I like women with more/less meat on their bones. I wouldn’t want to date a woman with three kids. I already know you’re crazy. I’ve seen too much.

Aw. Thanks, guys. So sweet. There is always a risk in an opposite-sex friendship that one person is harboring secret feelings, so humbling comments are in fact reassuring in most cases. If I know for a fact I’m not your type, it’s easier to relax into friendship. Also, there is a fair amount that keeps my guy friends from being my type, as well. I’ve seen them looking scummy and poorly groomed between girlfriends, I’ve watched them make stupid mistakes with women, and I have heard the unrestrained belching post-hot wings.

As much as women would love to be self sufficient and never need a man, occasionally there are tasks that require the brute force of a local brute. Your kid wants a heavy bag installed in the garage to practice boxing, your furniture needs to be moved upstairs, and so on. A guy friend will keep you from having to pay someone to help with these tasks, and also prevent you from settling for any old man in your life just to have a capable set of hands around when it’s urgent. No sense staying in a relationship with a dud just to have a man around the house when you’ve got a friend who could help out in a pinch. Women reciprocate by helping choose gifts for moms and plan dates for new girlfriends. My favorite task is always getting a screenshot of a text exchange between a male friend and a new woman with the words, “what does she mean by that?” Both sides are doing heavy lifting.

As much as men will encourage their buddies to act out and make wild mistakes for their entertainment, I don’t find that my guy friends act this way toward women. None of them would encourage me to go out with an overt red flag just because it would be would funny, they warn me about certain types of men, men with certain careers, guys they can judge to be bad apples from afar, and share mistakes they’ve made themselves and things to look out for when dating someone new. Their advice isn’t always useful, but I appreciate these men not looking at my life as entertainment the way they might encourage a buddy to hit on the woman with the face tattoo just to watch him flail. I don’t have an older brother, but my guy friends take on the role of protector, defender, muscle, and humbling reality check.

Female friends are vitally important, but if you don’t have a circle a guy friends, you’re missing out.