A Stone Unturned

If you’ve been separate from your spouse for a year, you’d think most sticky situations would have come up over the course of 365 days. We’ve all had birthdays and every holiday, done school and summer breaks, traveled, looped in grandparents and cousins, surely we know what we’re doing by now. You would be wrong. Just when you think you’ve got the hang of divorce and coparenting, there is always a new challenge.

I struggle with knowing when to butt in and when to bow out. We’ve had a few kid events fall on “Dad Days” and though I know I am entitled to go see my kid do whatever activity they’re doing that day, I wonder what works best for them. Is it best to see a united front? Both parents cheering them on? Or is it awkward and taints the day with uncertainty? We aren’t chummy, but we don’t fight at all, especially in front of the kids. But they are acutely aware that their parents are no longer chums. My daughter and I were playing in the kitchen and I said, “oh my gosh, I almost slipped! If I had fallen I would have cracked my head on the tile.”

She said, “a lot of people would cry if you cracked your head! Well, except Dad. Cause you guys don’t love each other anymore.”

It’s always top of mind, it seems, and if she’s thinking about that kind of thing constantly, maybe she should get to perform her Saturday activity on Dad Day with just Dad. Maybe seeing us together right now would make her feel tense or shove those thoughts back up front if she hadn’t been thinking them before. I had a strand of seed pearls in my jewelry box that I never wore, and when she found them the other day I offered them to her. I told her I got them on my honeymoon, and she could have them if she wanted. I also told her if something happened to them (she breaks and loses a lot of jewelry), even though they were pearls, it was okay because I never wore them.

She said, “yeah, probably because they are from your honeymoon and you’re not married to that guy anymore so you don’t want them, right?”

Actually, I just never wear pearls. But sure. I could see how she made that small leap. And while I am no longer with their father, we don’t trash talk each other, so most of these darker feelings are coming from the kids themselves. While I have reiterated that we are still a team when it comes to the kids, and we agree on most things where they are concerned, all three kids make comments like this sometimes. So, perhaps it’s in the best interest of the kids to let them have their events on Dad Days without Mom around to make them feel uncomfortable. Having time alone with my kids has been a gift, so I don’t want to trample on that for their father, either.

We’ve done separate birthdays all year, which has given each kid two celebrations and a unique day that makes sense for the parent-child relationship, but if the kids wanted to do one party with both parents, everyone would survive. There’s also the question of parent birthdays and what is expected of the ex supporting their child’s wish to celebrate the other parent. So far we’ve each let the kids chose a $5 gift for the other parent for Mother’s/Father’s Day to help the kids acknowledge the day without going overboard, and that seems to work well.

Even though we constantly reassure the kids that their parents are doing just fine, they worry about our relationship. It isn’t exactly warm, but there are no cross words, so I’m hopeful over time they will feel more confident that things are not precarious and scary. They are just different.

I’m trying to find the balance when it comes to sharing with my ex, as well. Does he want to see every piece of schoolwork they bring home? Should I record the parent-teacher conference? A photo every week seems excessive, no? Sharing too much or not enough might make the situation worse, reminding him he’s not around for everything, so I’m trying to share what he would have been privy to pre-divorce. He worked full time so he wasn’t at every conference and didn’t go through every piece of paper they brought home, and I’m trying to keep my updates to a similar level. Anything personal, like writing about themselves or being recognized for high scores or good citizenship, gets sent to Dad and the grandparents. Basic schoolwork does not. If a kid has a performance Dad isn’t in town for, I document it and send it to him.

It seems no matter how far we get from the original D(ivorce) Day, there will always be a new hurdle to clear. I am wearing out my How To Be Divorced books and still don’t feel prepared when my kids make it clear they are still a mess over what happened. Maybe there isn’t a perfect thing to say to put them at ease, but hundreds of calm conversations that will settle them over time. Things are different, but they are okay. We will figure it out the best we can. It’s awkward for everyone, but not unsafe or unstable. The kids are loved and cared for from every angle, no matter how weird things feel each day.