Merry Snarkmas

Seasons Greetings family, friends, and social media acquaintances!

We hope this newsletter finds you well, as we are beyond blessed this Christmas season (as usual!). We can’t possibly recount all the wonderful things that have occurred over the past twelve months, but we will provide our interested readers with an abbreviated list.

After much ado about nothing, our little Archer has learned to walk! He does not adhere to milestone schedules, which we are confident suggests hidden brilliance. While his legs were somewhat lazy, his fine motor skills hint at a future in open-heart surgery or concert piano. You can really tell so much from Duplo assembly at age two. Meanwhile, he is meeting other milestones with gusto, like discovering the joy of playing with his genitals and removing his shirt in public places. He worships his older brother and emulates him in all things that may require stitches. Their favorites pastimes are flipping over their armchairs or jumping from the couch to the coffee table. Each year we meet our insurance deductible earlier than the last!

Speaking of insurance claims, our oldest son Jackson ate a “blue M&M” off the carpet in our home office several months ago. We didn’t have M&Ms, or anything edible in that particular room, so off to the ER we went for a late night adventure! Our fears were allayed by the x-ray tech, who confirmed he had not ingested a lithium battery, and since his cheerful disposition never faltered we knew he hadn’t eaten a rogue prescription pill. He later confided that he ate soap and while it tasted bad, he felt fine!

Jackson is not one to miss milestones, so while he didn’t make much use of the word “no” as a tot he is more than compensating at age four. The doctors always make a fuss when a child skips a crucial step, so I’m sure his pediatrician is thrilled to hear his terrible twos are finally coming to fruition. Our first born enjoys the hero-worship emanating from his younger brother, unless they both covet the same toy vehicle. This has lead to a stockpile of Hot Wheels that can be bartered and swapped in a tense situation, and many close-calls for Mommy and Daddy who occasionally tread on them. More funds towards our deductible!

As the head of our household, Robert has had a very busy year. As usual, the great government machine is running smoothly, and people are saying it’s the best government in the history of our country, nay, the world! With a shutdown looming monthly, Robert looks forward to finding out if he is deemed essential (will have to continue working without pay) or inessential (will get an unpaid vacation until Congress passes a budget). Luckily, he is so busy caring for his wife and children he barely has time to sleep worry about a shutdown!

Katherine is pregnant, which came as a surprise to no one, since she has been constantly pregnant or nursing since 2013. With each pregnancy comes new adventures, and while she managed to escape severe morning sickness in favor of regular morning sickness this time, her daughter seems in a hurry to make her entrance into the world, so Mommy has had to lay low for several months. She is unable to walk more than the distance to the bathroom (which she does 472 times per day) or lift anything heavier than a chocolate bar (thank goodness for small miracles! The baby needs chocolate).

Due to this pregnancy’s complications, Katherine is incredibly relieved that the publishing of her first book was not immediately followed by a deluge of fame and fortune. It would have broken her heart to have to turn down a morning show book tour and disappoint Kelly Ripa, or have to refuse breakfast wine offered by Hoda and Kathie Lee. Surely God has spared Katherine from enduring these disappointments and has a plan for future fame once a healthy breastfeeding relationship has been established.

The whole family is anxiously awaiting the arrival of Baby Sister, due to arrive in February but keeping us on our toes with our bags packed since week twenty-four. Will she be early to the party or pull a Mariah Carey and be late from the hormone shots administered every week to keep her ensconced in Mommy’s love-basket? We will keep you updated!

This season we wish you a warm and loving holiday from our family to yours, however you celebrate; a muffled “Happy Holidays” from underneath an avalanche of dirty diapers or Instagramming a picture of a fruity cocktail with your toes in the sand. No really, we’re not jealous of your fancy holiday vacay, since clearly you spent the whole trip framing and composing social media-friendly snaps as a cry for help.

May your celebration of Christ’s birth/random day off in December to eat Chinese food be merry and bright!

Best Wishes,

The Davis Family