A Very Merry Unbirthday

There are bad changes that come with divorce, but there are also a lot of good changes that have surprised me. Lately, I’ve been thinking about traditions.

We don’t have to completely abandon the things we did before, but we also don’t have to adhere to previously agreed upon rules anymore. Our lives are really different, so I’m looking at it as an opportunity to change things up. No, we won’t all be together Christmas morning, but maybe we can have breakfast in our festive pajamas with the grandparents this year. Thanksgiving will be spent with their dad, so maybe we should try and get together with the neighbors the weekend before for a Friendsgiving.

A big change for the kids this year has been birthdays with only one parent. If the kids requested both parents be present, we could work that out, but they didn’t, so when a birthday fell on my co-parent’s scheduled time, I was upset, but decided to make the best of a weird situation. I felt like insisting I join in would cut into their private time with their dad, which is limited.

The kids are used to moving their celebration around – we rarely celebrate with more than a slice of cake if their birthday falls on a weekday. We ask them if they want to celebrate the weekend before or after, and then have a small party when it’s not a school night. They are accustomed to their celebration – however modest – occuring on a nearby date and not the actual day of their birth. So now, when I am away from my kids on their big day, it isn’t as awful as you might think. It has given us an opportunity to switch up our traditions and make our own individual plans, which suit each parent-child relationship uniquely.

I do feel like my arms are too empty when I wake up on my child’s birthday and can’t smother them just a little. However, I think the kids are being very thoughtful about their festivities with each parent. The requests for dad (let’s go to the arcade!) and the requests for mom (can you make me a big cake?) are specific to us and our relationships with each kid.

This year, my sons are having a joint party and will get to see most of their (my) family on the big day. It’s been a very long time since we’ve lived close to the people we love, and I’m looking forward to many more get togethers in our future. Soon, my sister is going to give me a new nephew to dote on, and my kids and are counting down the minutes. She did such a good job on my first nephew, after all. He is quite the celebrity in our house. We were all promised that even if my sister is too pregnant to attend/in labor, her son will be making an appearance, chauffeured by his grandparents.

Change is hard, and the first year of a divorce is awkward and full of confusion. It’s often hard to find a silver lining, and sometimes there just isn’t one. Having the chance to choose your adventure has been good for me, and hopefully my kids agree. Their birthday is whenever they say it is, since I won’t be with them on the calendar day. Want to celebrate early? Late? Fancy breakfast? Pizza and a movie? Water guns in the backyard? You name it, Kid. All three have had a rough year, understandably, and as we figure out our new normal, I hope they feel loved and cared for every day of the year.