Surprise Me

The most difficult transition for me as a single parent is the wild swing between Mom and Human Woman. When I was a stay-at-home mom, I rarely left the house without my kids in tow. Babysitters were rare, so experiencing life as an adult was fleeting and required a lot of planning. Now that my kids spend time with their dad, I’m overwhelmed with possibilities.

Honestly, the “free time” is often taken over by chores, work, and sleep. But during longer stretches of singledom, I can do…whatever. I can watch TV on a Saturday afternoon even if it’s a true crime doc, because my kids won’t see it. I can eat chips in the living room because I’m not setting an example for anyone, save for the dust bunnies under the couch (they like the crumbs anyway). Even a visit to the grocery store rather than a delivery is possible without having to worry about my kids tussling in the aisle and knocking over a display of pickle jars.

Getting an off-duty mom to make a decision has got to be frustrating. Sure, there are things we want to check out that we’ve been looking forward to, like a movie we’re hoping is still in theaters when we’re finally free again. At least in my case, I care very little what the plans are, as long as there are plans.

My concerns are threefold:

1. Will the plans require dishes/cleanup from me? Sometimes that’s okay, but I need to mentally prepare.
2. Will I be expected to care for another human being? If my kids aren’t home, Mom has left the building. I don’t want to see any kids, except my nephews because they give good snuggles when I’m missing my own children. I don’t want to cut anyone’s food, make sure you’re having an okay time, or entertain you when you decide you don’t like the activity.
3. Will I need to wear outside clothes/uncomfortable shoes? I certainly can, but that also takes some mental preparation.

That’s it. I don’t care about anything else. You want to go hang gliding? Perfect, let me just update my will real fast. Ethiopian food and then a trampoline park? I’ll bring the Pepcid. Drag show? Let me find a more fierce outfit.

Asking me repeatedly what I want to do won’t get you anywhere, and this goes for dates and outings with friends alike. I honestly do.not.care. If I did, I would say so. As long as it doesn’t involve household chores, tending to a child or needy adult, or specific attire on short notice, I don’t care at all.

When you spend the majority of your time caring for children, you want to enjoy your time off. If the “plan” is to order takeout and watch a movie, that’s great! My kids are allergic to every kind of ethnic food, so takeout is still a luxury. And I can’t watch TV in the living room when they’re home because it wakes them up. No dishes, no serving others. Perfect!

Don’t want to order takeout, but want to make a mom feel special? Bring her a drink without her asking. Nobody brings moms anything. Ever. Bonus points if it’s an adult drink like coffee or a cocktail and you know just how she likes it. Being served, or even handed a napkin, is a treat.

My friends ask for suggestions when we make plans to go out, but it makes no difference to me. I have vague preferences, but not having to call ahead and check for cross contact allergens in the kitchen of a restaurant is already a vacation for me. Any food is delicious if I didn’t have to shop for the ingredients, cook, and clean up. Other than a place with acceptably clean bathrooms, I have very few requirements.

You don’t need to break the bank or make a detailed itinerary for a woman who thinks peeing with the bathroom door unlocked is a special occasion. I have a handful of minutes to myself when my kids are with me, and kids don’t care about personal space. I used to stress about making the most of every minute when I finally had time for myself, but I realized sitting in silence is so foreign, it can be a luxury on its own. Whether there are detailed plans for a weekend away or a loose idea for pasta and rewatching The Sopranos, it doesn’t matter as much as you’d think. In prior years, I was Mom 24/7. Now, I have short breaks where I can exist as myself and do what I’d like to do, within reason. Mostly, what I like to do is not make decisions. Just don’t ask me to clean or coddle.